Born for this

Eversince I was a little child, I always felt like I was born to do something big..something GREAT…something life-changing.

….and as I grew older, the feeling only grew stronger……….BUT reality kicked in. Yes, I still feel like I was made for something big but how?

How is it that I feel like that but deep down I know its not true. Its just an innocent child’s imagination.

For know, I cannot see a way out from this….all this. I just wish for once , I get a say in what I want to do without being guilt tripped into “ruining” my life.

I don’t know. Maybe…just maybe…theres more to life than this.

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A Happy Post!

I wanted to write (or type) a happy post as opposed to my “emo” / “depressing” / “d33p” post yesterday (or was it this morning?) .

Anyway, to make up for it ..I am gonna list down 10 things that made my year so far.

  1. I finally have “some” life experiences. I mean studying in Indonesia for one has taught me to be independent in more ways than one. Which is good because I depend too much on my parents…not good. 
  2. I am starting to think about I want to do in the future…the only problem is how do I go about it. (Hey, i said think…..we cannot do everything at one go right?)
  3. I have made some good friends in Indonesia. My girls~ ❤ 
  4. I finally got over my break-up (refer to previous post)
  5. I like CnBlue!! (this is good because finally I like something very much other than fall out boy).

 

Okay I lied about it being 10. Truth is, nothing has been going on lately…not that its a bad thing or anything. Its just everything is pretty mundane lately. 

 

Yup. Bye. 

Rambles.

사랑 , 愛 , love, cinta ………………………..

What I am talking about here is the one designed for your “other-half”.

I like being in love.

I like the idea of having someone there for me when I need them or just basically having someone who is always around because we both like each other’s company.I like the idea of somebody worrying about your well-being ( and the way they worry is totally different from how you parents or friends worry about you ) . I like the idea of somebody being jealous of someone else breathing the same oxygen are other people ( okay, Im exaggerating but you get the point right?). I like the idea that even when you are not with each other physically but you are always together mentally. I like the idea that you have someone who accepts you and love you as you are.

Isn’t this what love is about? Or do I just like the feeling of being in love up to a point where I ignore everything else about the other person who I am “supposedly” in love with.

I would like to believe that I was in love once but then I thought about it more (till today)…………and I realized that I was just in love with the idea of being in love but I was not actually in love with the person I was with.

Then I realized that when you are in love with the other person instead of being in love with just the feeling itself then all those things that I mentioned before do not matter. Because I realized that throughout the whole life-span of my previous relationship, I just like the feeling of being in one and there are (I admit) times when I did think about what is like being with other people instead of the person I am with.

If you are inlove with your “other-half” ( in my opinion) …. it would never even cross your mind. Because for you, he (or she) is enough. He (or she) is your breaking point , the one that will not make you doubt all these things because like I said, they are good enough (actually better! Because you’ve found “the one”) for you and that he (or she) makes you happy.

I knew it was not working out. I was just too much of a coward to end it (and admit the fact that I was just in love with the feeling of being in love).

“Everything that you did for our relationship is for your own benefit” ….those were not his exact words but they were somewhere along the lines.

He said that to me the night he broke it up and 2 (almost) years later…I finally understood what he meant by that.

People kept on saying how I was not over him. I am actually…the moment we broke up, I was. I just could not let go because I feel like I had every right to wonder what went wrong. I know some people said its not good to go down this road but I believe that this is what I need to actually let go of the anger I have towards him. I realized that it was not fair to be mad at him because…yes he did cheated on me physically but at one point (when he started to ignore me) , I started visualizing what its like being single again and what I will do if somebody else were to ask me out. While he was away, I was looking for that feeling ….the feeling of being in love ( I did not find it unfortunately ) which shows that it was not the person that I missed but it was the feelings.

And with this, I can now say, I have closure.

But based on what I said earlier, I am not saying hes a bad person or anything (aside from the reason we broke up and how we broke up). He was a good person. He truly was. The amount of respect I had for him was high…for following his dreams and for never giving up to get it.

All in all, now that I have closure….I can slowly move on with my life and not be afraid the take the risk and just fall.

I believe that if anybody whos reading this right now, please just let it be. You can talk and discuss it or whatever…I dont care but whats important is that you do not ask me shit about this post.